Untill it's gone
by gsrfan1
Summary: Summary: It’s the biggest cliché in the world, but the roomies are about to realise that you really don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
1. Prologue

Till it's gone

Gsrfan 

Disclaimer: I do not own Ray, Neela or anything associated with ER,

Summary: It's the biggest cliché in the world, but the roomies are about to realise that you really don't know what you have until it's gone.

A/N – _Italics_ flashbacks.

**This story is not a part of the series, Neela and Ray are not in a relationship at the beginning of this story, but who knows maybe be the end they will be.**

This bit is very short, but it's just a little teaser for you all. I should post more tomorrow.

Prologue 

'_I'm_ _moving_ _out'_ the words echoed around the ER all day, whenever anyone spoke that was the only sound that was heard. The ER was as busy as it always was but it was empty and hollow at the same time, nothing had any meaning.

Neela knew that they wouldn't live together forever, that they would both move on with their lives one day. She had dreamt about leaving many a time, especially when he and his groupies would come home late at night and proceed to go about their 'business', very loudly. She knew that one day they would say '_see_ _you_ _later_ _roomie' _for the last time.

She just never imagined that Ray would be the one to say it first.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Thanks for the response guys, you know you love it when I tease lol. Most of you have probably realised this but I want to make sure that you know that this story has nothing to do with the series, they are not married and he's not technically leaving her, he's leaving the apartment.

Chapter 1 

Staring at him from across the ER, she tried to hide her pain as he told the others about his plans, she could see the happiness on his face as they congratulated him. She wanted to walk up to him and tell him that she was happy that his dreams were coming true, but instead she closed her eyes and remembered the moment he had destroyed hers.

"_I can't believe you watch this rubbish," Ray said as Dr. Gregory House's voice greeted him as he walked through the door, _

"_You're just jealous that he's a better doctor than you,' she laughed, _

"_In his dreams," he smiled setting his stuff down, "oh come on, that isn't even a real disease, and would you listen to that accent."_

"_Just because you don't know it, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist," she said, holding back a sigh as he sat a little too close to her on the sofa,_

"_And I suppose you do?" he asked,_

"_Actually…" Neela smiled as he threw a cushion at her, "And his accent is fine, much better than the British ones you lot try to pull off."_

Neela was pulled out of her daydream by a crash across the room; she smiled as she saw Morris scrambling to pick up the tray he had just dropped. Ray caught her gaze and smiled at her, she gave what she thought was a smile back, but her emotions were so screwed up right now she couldn't be sure. Ray didn't take his eyes off of her, he could tell something was wrong but he didn't want to imagine what it was, knowing his luck it would be something he had done. Neela walked away and sank into a chair in the doctor's lounge, as the words echoed through her head again.

"_Um……Neela," Ray said turning to face her, "I uh……have to tell you something."_

"_What did you break?" she asked playfully, but her smile faded as she saw the serious look in his eyes. "What?"_

"_Well, you know that I've been seeing Amy for a while now …" he started, trying to pretend the pain in her eyes wasn't real, she knew what was coming, he didn't know why he felt guilty, he was entitled to a life, but he did, "She asked me to live with her and…… I said yes. I'm moving out."_

_Neela just sat in stunned silence, her heart felt like Ray had just attacked it with a chainsaw._

"_Wow," was all Neela could find to say,_

"_Is that it?" he asked, "No, 'Congratulations' or 'I'm happy for you."_

"_Of course I am Ray, it's just a shock that's all, you've only known her five minutes." _

"_I knew you for less time before you moved in," he said,_

"_And that was completely different Ray, we're just friends." Neela said, the last words barely a whisper, because it hurt too much to say it louder, that way she'd actually have to hear it._

"_I know, sorry." He said unable to look at her,_

"_I am happy for you," she lied reaching across to hug him._

_Ray melted under her touch and never wanted to move, _

'_**Stop it,' **hetoldhimself**, 'you heard her, you're just friends, that's why you moved on remember?'**_

"_I should go to bed," she said finally pulling away, "I'll see you at work?"_

"_Yeh," he smiled, "goodnight."_

"_Goodbye." Neela said turning away from him, knowing that was what he was really saying._

"Neela?" Abby said for the third time,

"Oh sorry," Neela said shaking away her thoughts, "I was thinking."

"I wonder what about?" Abby said, she knew that this must be hurting her friend. She had never actually admitted her feelings but if you looked hard enough, they were right there for all to see.

"I'm happy for him," Neela said staring Abby down, knowing exactly what she was getting at.

"You might want to work on that." Abby said softly,

"Work on what?" Ray said as his head popped around the door,

Neela looked up at him and felt trapped, "Nothing, I have to go," she said rushing past him.

"What was that about?" he asked,

"Please tell me you don't really need to ask." Abby said as she left him alone in the room, thinking that he was definitely missing something. Little did he know that pretty soon he would be missing someone instead.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"So you're all coming to the housewarming party tonight right?" Ray said as he wrote down the address, "You too, right roomie?" he asked as Neela came towards them.

The words tore through Neela, but what made it worse was that he hadn't even noticed what he had called her.

"No," Neela answered, playing happy families with him and his girlfriend was the last thing she needed, but she caved as soon as she saw the broken look on his face.

"_Neela_ will be though," she covered,

"You have some split personality thing I should know about it?" he laughed,

"No I have a name," she replied, trying to hide the bitterness in her voice, she knew she shouldn't be angry that he was moving on, he had a right to a life, but it hurt so much. "You should get used to it now that you're leaving m….. the apartment." She stumbled, hoping that no-one had noticed the slip-up.

"Right," Ray said a half-smile on his face to lighten the mood, "I guess I will."

XXXX

"Hey you made it!" Ray said as he opened the door and practically pulled Neela inside, "I thought you'd changed your mind."

'**I did,'** her mind said,

"Never," she lied, "Wouldn't want to miss a party. These are for you," she said handing him a pack of beer,

"Oh great thanks, they're my favourite." He smiled,

"I know," she answered, her eyes locking on his for the briefest of moments.

"Neela, Hi!" came Amy's voice as she hugged her and pulled her out of daydream, "so glad you could make it."

"Me too," Neela said forcing a smile, she looked at Amy and Ray and she could see that he was happy, which just made it harder and easier to hate her at the same time.

"So Neela," Amy said, "You probably know more about Ray than the others here, any tips for living with him."

Neela almost choked on the beer Ray had given her, his new girlfriend wanted advice on how to live with him.

'**This is too strange.'**

"Um…." Neela swallowed hard as she realised she was now the centre of attention, practically everyone there was staring at her.

'**Play** **it** **cool**,' she told herself.

"Well……If you want anything edible in the house, he _can_ _not_ go shopping on his own, medical dramas give him an inferiority complex," she listed quickly, all his quirks fresh in her mind, "and hide your make-up, he has a habit of borrowing it," she smiled as Ray started to protest,

"That was one time," he said,

"You mean I _caught_ _you_ one time," she laughed,

Ray smiled and winked at her, she felt like everyone else was gone as she smiled back, but soon remembered that they weren't,

"Despite his manly exterior," she continued as casually as she could, "when it comes to horror movies, he's the biggest baby you will ever find."

"Hey!" Ray said, "That was a secret. You just broke the roomie code of honour you know."

'**You broke it first.'** She remembered the stupid code they had come up with one night when they were drunk.

Ray silently wished that he hadn't mentioned it when he realised that _he_ had broken the first and most important rule, 'Don't move out and leave the other one alone.' He was half expecting her to throw it back in his face, but then he realised that Neela was too considerate to do that.

"Seriously though," Neela continued looking at Amy so she could avoid Ray's eyes, "He'll probably annoy the hell out of you sometimes but he's the best roommate you'll ever have, don't let him go."

"I don't intend to," Amy said giving Ray her best 'pay me attention' smile, but he didn't notice as his heart was too busy skipping a beat at the way Neela was talking about him, he looked down at her and she looked back at him, for the first time Ray doubted that he had made the right choice.

"I have to go," Neela said tearing her eyes away from Ray's and setting down her beer,

"You only just got here," Ray said not wanting her to leave,

"I know but I have work tomorrow, I'm sorry." She said looking at Abby, her eyes pleading for help.

"I'll walk you out," Abby said, sensing her discomfort, as they walked away.

"I am such an idiot," Neela said putting her head in her hands, "How obvious was that? I might as well stamp I'm in love with Ray on my forehead. Idiot!"

Abby was silently taken back by Neela's admission, she knew she had feelings but love had never been mentioned before.

"You better get back," Neela said to her, "I'll get a cab,"

"You sure?" Abby asked,

"Yeh, bye." Neela sank on to a bench as Abby left and cried in to her hands as a set of eyes watched her from the window above.

"Hey babe," Ray said as he put his arms around Amy, trying to rid images of Neela from his mind, he shouldn't be thinking about her, "What you doing?"

"Just making sure Neela got her cab alright," she smiled as she led him away from the window. Amy had always suspected there was something between them, now there was no denying it. She took Ray's hand and led him back to their friends, hoping that the fact he had chosen her would be enough to keep him there.


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: This chapter is a bit short so I'll post another one tonight to make up for it, Thanks for all the reviews so far.

Chapter 3

It had been a week since the earth-shatteringly embarrassing party and Neela walked through the empty apartment to the bathroom, trying not to notice the lack of Ray's stuff in it. She had just had the worst day at work and all she wanted was to wash it away.

'**This will be good for me,' **sherationalised**, 'I can do what I want, when I want, without having to worry about him interrupting. Yeh this is good.'**

As she turned on the shower and let the water wash over her she laughed to herself,

'**Who am I trying to kid?'**

XXXX

"Neela?" Ray called as he gently pushed the apartment door open; they'd agreed that he could keep some of his stuff there because Amy's place was a bit too small, until Neela found a new roommate anyway. Paying rent on two places was draining his funds rapidly but Amy was helping him out, he didn't _need_ to do it, but he couldn't let Neela literally pay for his choices.

He put his head against the bathroom door and heard the shower running so he just went to his room to grab some stuff.

Neela stopped moving when she thought she had heard her name but just brushed it off as her imagination, pulling on her clothes she walked out of the bathroom.

"Why didn't you dress like that when I lived here?" Ray wolf-whistled at her wearing an over-sized football shirt that barely reached her thighs,

Neela grabbed at her chest and jumped, "Are you trying to scare me to death?" she asked trying to catch her breath.

"Sorry," he laughed, "so," he said eyeing her shirt, "you got a guy hiding in your room?"

"What? Oh no," she smiled, "this is my brother's shirt. I used to wear it all the time at home so he gave it to me when I left, so I would have a 'piece of home.'"

"Right," Ray said, "I guess the word England plastered all over it should have been a clue,"

"Yeh," she laughed, realizing just how much she missed their playful banter,

Ray blinked and turned away from her as he realised he was just staring,

"You never talked about your family before." He said trying to get her to open up more, he missed the way they talked.

"You were never interested before," she answered somberly, not seeing the pain those words caused, as he was still not looking at her,

'**I was interested,' **hethought**, 'I just didn't know how to show it.'**

"Is there something you wanted?" She asked, needing him out of there before she said something stupid like 'don't leave.'

"Just wanted to get my guitar," he said pointing to it,

"Right," Neela said, "can't live without that."

Ray turned to look at her again, her tone confusing him,

'**She sounds angry.'**

"Is there something wrong?" he asked,

"No, why would there be?" she asked, playing dumb.

Ray just shook his head and reached for his head,

"I should go then," he said heading towards the door,

"I guess," Neela said fighting back tears; he was leaving her …… again.

'**How many times is he going to do this to me?'**

"Bye," she said as he shut the door. She turned to look at the apartment and let her tears fell the emptiness that Ray had left behind.


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long, I've had trouble uploading thechapter

Chapter 4 

"Hey," Ray said jumping out from behind the desk, "I haven't seen you in a whi

"I know," Neela said walking away, she couldn't handle this,

"Hey wait up," he said taking her arm, "Are you mad at me, because if I did something I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad," she said trying to free her arm,

"Then what is it?" he asked not letting go, "Talk to me."

"I can't Ray," she whispered not looking in his eyes, "It hurts too much to do this, please let go."

Ray released her arm and watched her walk away, but he didn't let go in his mind, he would never let go.

"Abby," he called as she walked by, "I need to talk to you."

"Sure," she smiled,

"It's about Neela," he explained,

"Oh," Abby sighed, "then I guess we better go outside."

"She won't talk to me anymore, what did I do?" he asked,

"Are you being serious?" she asked, unable to believe he didn't know what was going on,

"What?" he asked pure confusion in his eyes,

"Oh god, you are," Abby said, "You want to know what you did? You left Ray."

"That doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore," he said,

"No it doesn't," Abby agreed, "it just makes it hurt to be your friend. She misses you Ray. The reason she won't meet you or talk to you is because when it's over you're just going to leave and she'll be all on her own again."

"I can't help that," he sighed,

"I know you can't, you have a new life and you're happy, but she doesn't have that yet. _You_ were _her_ life, the closest thing she had to family here and when you left, it tore all that apart. You have Amy and she has no-one. You need to give her time to move past this."

"I never meant to hurt her," Ray said falling against the wall, "she still has Gallant."

"They broke up."

"What? Why didn't she tell me?" He said feeling hurt and left out,

"You weren't there to tell," Abby said looking down at him, "You know Ray, what I don't get is, if you love Amy enough to live with her, why are you so interested in Neela?"

"She's my friend," he said, even though he knew it was more than that.

"Is that all?" Abby asked,

"Nothing ever happened between us if that's what you're getting at." He said,

"Because you didn't want it to or because you were afraid to?" she asked,

Ray opened his mouth to speak but just ended up staring at his shoes, not really sure of the answer.

"I have to get back," Abby said, "Don't worry, Neela will be okay, you just need to give her some time."

Ray sighed as he was left alone and confused in the ambulance, finally beginning to understand the way Neela might be feeling.

X X X X

Ray's lips glided over hers as she twisted her hands in her hair and pulled him closer,

"Huh hmm," Neela coughed for the third time, finally causing Ray to pull away from Amy and feel guilty. He wasn't intentionally flaunting his relationship but he understood that it might seem that way. "You wanted to sign out." Neela said trying to be as civil as she could.

"I'll wait in the car." Amy smiled, "Bye Neela."

"Bye." Neela forced out,

"Don't forget the game tickets, they're in your jacket." Amy smiled,

"I wont roomie." Ray said as Amy walked out of the doors, realizing what he had just said he turned to look at Neela. The amount of hurt in her eyes almost knocking him to the floor,

**'That was our thing,' **shethought**, 'Guess I'm easily replaceable.' **

"Neela I….. that wasn't……I didn't mean to…….."

She just took the chart from his hands and walked away, she didn't want him to see her cry.

"Neela!" Ray called to the retreating figure, but she didn't turn back. "Damn," Ray said grabbing his jacket as Abby shook her head at him.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

The basketball game played out in front of him but he couldn't take any of it in, he looked at Amy next to him and smiled at how into the game she was, he had never met a girl like her before. She wanted to watch sports with him, in fact most of the time it was her idea, in some ways she was just like one of the guys. Not like Neela, who was so……….

He couldn't think of one word to describe her, he knew that she was beautiful, smart, caring and the best person he had ever met. He had done so much to her that would make any other person give up on him, but not her, no-matter what he did, she was there for him, she believed in him. And what had he done? He'd walked away because he was too afraid to say that aloud, too afraid to take the risk. He'd taken the easy way out, he liked Amy, they were good together but was that enough?

"I have to go." He said to her,

"What? We've been trying to get tickets for this for weeks, now you're just going to leave?" she asked, she didn't want him to leave because she had a feeling she knew where he was going to go.

"I'm sorry, there's something I have to do." He said getting out of his seat and making his way past the other people in the row.

X X X X

As Ray pushed the door open he was assaulted by classical music playing at full volume,

**"And she used to yell at me?" **hethought,

He narrowed his eyes as he realised the stereo wasn't turned on and the music was coming from Neela's room. Stopping at her door, he leaned against it and watched her. She had her back to him and from his position he could watch her unnoticed, he could see her hands reflected in the mirror and he watched them, mesmerised by their movement, the way her fingers danced on the strings. He watched the way her head moved and the way she had her eyes closed so tight, shutting out the world, so caught up in the moment, he had never seen her like that before, so free. He sighed as he got lost in the music too, but this caught Neela's attention and she stopped.

"Ray? How long have you been here?" she asked in shock and slightly embarrassed, she never let anyone hear her play.

"Not long, that was great." He smiled, "why didn't you play before I moved out?"

"I didn't want to bother you," she lied, putting the instrument away. The real reason was that she only ever played when the world got too much for her and she needed to get away. It was her release, but she hadn't needed that when Ray was around, he was always there to help her through it.

"Oh yeh," he smiled, "because I was always so considerate of you. I liked it," he smiled,

Walking passed him to the kitchen she smiled, feeling proud that she had impressed him. She decided she better say something, she couldn't just avoid him the way she had earlier, there was nowhere to run now, "You know for a guy that supposedly moved out you spend a lot of time here."

"You want me to go?" he asked not wanting to make things any worse,

Neela laughed to herself, he had no idea how dangerous that question was,

"It's your apartment Ray, you can do whatever you want." She answered, "you want some coffee?"

"Sure," he said sitting down, "and it's _our_ apartment, well more yours than ours now I guess."

"If you say so," she said handing him a mug,

"Look Neela, about this morning, it was stupid of me to say that, I wasn't thinking and I'm sorry." He said his eyes begging forgiveness.

"It's okay," she sighed, "I over-reacted, she is your roomie after all, no reason you can't call her that. I'm sorry about the way I've been acting lately, it's just hard getting used to being on my own especially with the whole………" she stopped not wanting to get into that right now,

"So we're okay?" he asked, noticing she had stopped short of saying something,

"Yeh, we're okay," she smiled,

"Especially with what?" he asked,

"What?" she asked,

"You were going to say something, what was it?"

"It's not important," she lied,

"You and Gallant breaking up isn't important?" he asked, "then what is?"

"How did you know about that?" she asked in shock,

"Abby told me. Why didn't you tell me you were upset?"

"Because…….. because…….I'm not entirely sure that it upsets me." She said,

"What? I don't understand."

"What I mean is, if he hadn't ended it I would have. It was never gonna go anywhere," '_and I love you.' _Her mind added,

"I know things are weird right now, but you can always talk to me, don't forget that." He smiled taking her hand in his. Neela looked down at their intertwined hands and had to bite back tears,

"I won't," she smiled at him, "So, it's your birthday on Saturday." She said trying to lighten the mood, "got anything planned."

"Yeh," he smiled, "we're going to meet up at Ike's, you're coming right?"

"Sure," she said dreading the though of seeing Amy again, "you couldn't keep me away."

Ray smiled and drank his coffee, wishing that he could believe everything was fine but he knew that things had changed between them and that they would never change back.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

"Ray's on a break," Abby said as she saw Amy enter the ER,

"Oh that's good, I actually wanted to talk to you guys. I got Ray's present and I wanted to run it by you guys first."

"Oh," Abby said glancing over at Neela, she knew she was the best person to ask, but she didn't have the courage to.

"I got him this shirt," Amy said showing it to him, "blue to match his eyes."

Neela had to bite her lip to keep from stating what was to her, the obvious. She was insanely jealous of Amy but she didn't have to be mean.

"What?" Amy asked as she saw her expression,

"Nothing," Neela lied,

"You think it's a lame gift don't you?" she asked putting the shirt down, "I knew it."

"No, no not at all, it's just …… can I make one small observation, okay maybe two." She said, it was okay to point it out if she was asked……right?

"Sure," Amy said,

"Ray has _green_ eyes," she said, mentally adding, _'how you didn't notice that I don't know', "_and secondly, that is a really _nice_ shirt."

"And that's bad?" Amy asked,

"Ray doesn't do nice. It would ruin his image," Neela smiled, remembering all the times she had tried but failed to improve his dress sense.

"You're right," she said stuffing the shirt back in the bag, "What am I gonna do? I don't have time to get anything else."

"Here," Neela said reaching into her pocket and handing her an envelope, "give him these."

"Oh no I can't, that's not fair," Amy said pushing the envelope back into her hands, "but thank you."

"Please," Neela said, "I want you to."

"Why?" Amy asked taking the tickets from her, knowing that question put them on dangerous ground. They were both well aware of Neela's feelings for Ray, even if he was oblivious to them.

Neela just smiled at her and avoided the question, they both knew why; saying it out loud would just ruin everything. She wanted Ray to be happy, whether or not it was her that got to do it.

"I'll see you tonight," Amy said walking back out of the ER.

"What kind of person doesn't know what colour her boyfriends eyes are?" Abby asked,

"I don't know," Neela said, trying to wrap her head around what had just happened, but thinking, **'someone who's too obsessed with her self to take the time to look.'**

"Why'd you give her the present?" Abby asked,

"Because I don't think I could face doing it myself." Neela sighed, "I've got to go," she said as she saw Ray approaching.

"Something I did?" Ray said as he reached the spot where Neela had just been.

"Who knows anymore?" Abby said grabbing a chart, "who knows?"


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 

**AN: Reviewed becuase of a mistake at the end, which made the chapter make no sense**

Neela could just make Ray out through the smoke in the room; he was standing by the bar with Amy hanging all over him, as though she was scared he might run away if she let go.

**'You can do this.' **She tried to convince herself,

"Hey guys," she said hoping her voice sounded cheerful, "Um Ray, I didn't have chance to get you anything," she lied avoiding Amy's gaze, "I'm sorry."

"No problem, I'm just happy you're here. Get you a drink?"

"Sure," Neela smiled, "as long as its not tequila, thanks to you I can't touch that stuff anymore."

"Me?" he laughed, "that was _so_ not my fault."

Amy and the others looked on as they shared a moment that was just theirs, Neela smiled; happy, that despite everything they could still do that.

"So….. presents." Ray smiled rubbing his hands together,

**'He is such a child!' **Neela smiled,

"This is from me," Amy said handing the envelope, "hope you like it."

Neela had to look away as Ray smiled at Amy, the moment to painful to share.

"Wow! Ame's these are so great," he said slipping into the nickname he had for her, as he held the tickets in his hands, "I've wanted them for ages, how did you know?"

"Just lucky I guess," she smiled as he wrapped his arms around her,

"You must be, from what I heard these have been sold out for months."

Panic flashed across Neela's eyes as she realised her mistake, Amy hadn't been with Ray long enough to know that he wanted them, but thankfully Ray seemed too happy to notice this.

X X X X

Bret took a stool next to his friend and slapped him on the back, "Hey buddy, having a good night?"

"Yeh, its great, haven't had this much fun in ages."

"Shame the same isn't true for everyone," he said motioning his head in Neela's direction, "she's been nursing that beer for hours."

Ray looked over in her direction and his heart jumped into his throat, it was as if all the happiness had been sucked out of that side of the room,

"She looks so sad." Bret said, "What did you do?"

"Nothing," Ray said, "why do you always think everything is my fault?"

"Because only _you_ have the power to affect her that much," Bret stated,

**'I don't want that power,' **Ray frowned

"We talked and she said everything was fine."

"I've never seen fine look like that before," Bret said, "Ray, you're my friend and I'm happy that you've found someone……"

"But…" Ray said for him,

"I don't understand why you went looking elsewhere for something that you already had."

Ray looked at him confused and Bret just tapped him on the shoulder as he walked away. He looked back to Neela's seat but she was gone, he saw her heading towards the door and tried to catch her but he was too late.

He stood by the table that had housed his presents and saw a tape sitting on it,

**'That wasn't there before.' **

He picked it up and turned it over, not knowing whether to laugh or cry as he read the words written carefully on the back,

_Ray, _

_This is probably the word present you've ever gotten, but I'll get you something better next year, _

_It's just a little something so you won't forget all about me, _

**'I could never forget' **

_Hope you have a great night, _

_Love Neela xxx _

As he read the words he had no idea how long she had agonized how to end the message, 'regards', 'yours sincerely,' she'd finally settled on love, because it was the kind of term that could mean everything or nothing. It was up to him which one it was.

X X X X

Neela lay awake that night cursing herself for leaving the tape,

**'He's going to hate it.' **

Getting into the van Ray kept turning the tape over in his hands trying to decide whether he should listen to it with Amy around, he had no idea what was on it. Finally he gave in and slipped it in to the cassette player, the not knowing killing him.

He smiled as the soft notes of a viola filled the air around him,

**'She made this for me, she is so sweet.' **

"What's this?" Amy asked seeing the smile on his face,

"Just one of my presents," he said,

"Who would give you this?" she asked as he started the engine, "they can't know you very well if they think you'd like it."

Ray ignored the comment as he contemplated Bret's words and let the music wash over him,

**'Did I really already have everything I wanted?" **

"Ray? Are you even listening?" Amy asked, he had been silent for the whole journey,

"Sorry," he smiled, "what were you saying?"

"I said who are you going to take the gig?"

"Don't know yet." He answered, "How did you know I wanted those tickets?" he asked, it had been eating away at him all night, he knew something wasn't right he just wasn't sure what.

"Um….. Bret told me." She said, knowing she wasn't very convincing,

"Try again," Ray said as they reached their apartment, he could tell when she was lying.

"Okay," Amy said knowing she was caught, "they weren't really from me. I bought you this really lame gift so Neela gave me hers."

"Neela?" he asked, getting out of the van,

Thinking about it, it did make sense. He'd been going on about the gig for ages, she probably bought them just to shut him up. Then it dawned on him, she must have bought them when he still lived there.

**'She still gave them to me even after I left her out of the blue. She's a better person than me, I would have sold them.' **

Stepping into the apartment he thought about calling her, but stopped himself, it was late and ringing his ex-room mate from his girlfriend's house probably wasn't the best idea.

**'I'll thank her tomorrow.' **He thought as he turned out the lights and lay down in bed, the woman by his side not the woman on his mind.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 

"You left early last night," Ray said as he walked up behind Neela in the ambulance bay, with every intention of thanking her, but if the conversation went anything like all the other ones they had, he knew he wouldn't get the chance.

"Yeh sorry, I was tired." She lied,

**'Tired of me?" **Ray thought,

"Well you missed a good night," he smiled,

"I'm sure I did," she answered sharply, walking into the building trying to say as little as possible,

"Okay Neela that's it, I can't take this anymore." Ray said taking her arm and pulling her in to a side room, "are you going to tell me what the silent treatment is about?"

"Silent treatment? What are you talking about, I'm not giving you the silent treatment." She said pulling her arm back,

"Fine, so technically you _are_ speaking to me, but no more than you have to. You told me everything was okay."

**'Can't you tell a lie when you hear one?' **her mind screamed,

"It is Ray, but… you just don't understand."

"Help me," he whispered,

Her heart broke all over again as she heard the concern in his voice,

"It's hard enough sitting at home every night by myself knowing that you're out there having a good time," '_without_ _me_,' " I don't need you rubbing it in at work too."

"I'm not," he said upset that she would accuse him of such a thing,

_"You missed a good night," _she said mimicking him,

"No, no Neela, that is _not_ what I was doing. I hate that you're unhappy I would never make it worse on purpose. Let me make it better, I'll do whatever it takes. What do you want me to do?"

**'Come back,' **the words were on the tip of her tongue but she knew she could never say them,

"The only thing I know you can't do," she sighed, holding his gaze with hers,

Ray opened his mouth to speak but couldn't find the words, nothing he said would be enough to express the happiness _and_ pain he felt. She had all but said she wanted him to come back, but he knew that it wasn't that easy. When it came to Neela it never was.

"Just forget it," Neela said walking to the door, "I'll be fine."

**_'_But_ I _won't**_' _Ray's heart whispered, he couldn't stand the idea that he was hurting her.

"Do I _want_ to know what you two were doing in there?" Abby asked as he came out of the room.

"Just talking," Ray sighed,

"Come on Ray, surely you've learned by now that you two don't _just_ do anything."

"I know, I want to fix this, but I don't know how."

"It's simple, you miss her and she misses you. Move back in and no-one has to miss anybody."

"It's _not_ that simple, there are more people involved than just the two of us." He explained,

"You mean Amy? Don't get me wrong I like her, but ask yourself this, if you really love her as much as you think you do, would this be hurting you half as much as it is?"

Ray just took a deep breath and looked at the floor, somewhere deep down he knew Abby was right.

The past few weeks had helped him to see that he cared about Neela as more than a roommate, but he had made a commitment to Amy and he couldn't just back out because he'd changed his mind. He thought about how his mother would just say that he was commitment shy, like all men, and that confused him even more because he wasn't entirely sure that she wasn't right.

**'I can't run to Neela until I know it's not just because I'm running away from something else.' **

"I don't know, I care about Neela…. _and_ Amy, I don't want to hurt either of them."

"I know," Abby sighed, this was really eating him up inside, "but if you keep trying to protect both of them, _everyone_ is going to get hurt,"

"You're right," he smiled, "you're always right, how do you know all this stuff?"

"I moonlight as a councilor," Abby joked, "don't worry, I haven't started charging you yet, but if this keeps up, I may have to."

"Thanks for the warning," he sighed heading to the locker room,

**'What am I going to do with these two?' **

AN: I'm going away for the week so this will be the last update for a while, sorry, it's unavoidable.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 

"Neela?" Abby asked the form crouched in the corner, "What are you still doing here? Your shift ended ages ago?"

"I can't go home…… not that it's really home anymore. It's so empty there now."

"You can't stay here all night." Abby sat sitting next to her, "Are you ever going to tell him?"

"No, not now."

"Not now?" Abby asked confused,

"There was a time, before all of this, that I thought there could be something more between us. I tried to say it a hundred times, but every time, I froze up and backed out. Pretty soon it got to the point where, whether or not I told him wasn't an issue because he had Amy and I had missed my chance."

Abby just looked and listened; speaking now would cause Neela to run like she always did,

"I couldn't tell him then because I couldn't cross 'the friendship line,' I didn't want to ruin what we had. I can't tell him now, because I can't cross the 'he already has a girlfriend line'. Regardless of his answer, people, most likely me, would get hurt."

Abby sighed, she hated to say it but Neela and Ray had become a lost cause, neither of them was prepared to take the risk of changing their relationship incase they upset each other, but they were just making each other miserable by saying nothing.

"I know it hurts you but you have to face up to the fact that he's gone." Abby said, they had to move on before they dragged everyone down with them.

"Easy for you to say." Neela said standing up, "you're right though," she added grabbing her coat, "I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it."

"I didn't mean it like that." Abby said, she hadn't meant to seem insensitive,

"I know, it doesn't make it any less true though. I'll see you tomorrow."

X X X X

Ray paced the floor in his old room, he had gone over to surprise her but she wasn't there. Which was weird because she was always there, he figured she'd been held up at work but when he'd called they'd told him her shift was over, they didn't know she was hiding in the locker room. Images of her in trouble flashed through his mind, he knew he was being irrational and she had probably just gone out but he couldn't help it. Worrying about her was all he seemed able to do anymore.

He ran to his door as he heard the front door click shut but stopped dead and hid when he saw what was there. Relief washed over him when he saw that she was safe, but misery took its place as he took in the broken figure before him. Neela stood in the doorway soaked from head to foot, looking crushed, her eyes had lost all their life, all their passion.

Neela let out a sigh and looked around the empty apartment, at the stereo that he used to use, the sofa he used to sleep on after a long day, the pizza box he ……

**'Pizza box? That wasn't there this morning?' **

"Hey, where were you? I was worried" Ray called from his room as he she turned to face him,

Neela instantly turned away again when she realised what a mess she was,

"Worried?" she asked, "why?"

"Have you been crying?" he asked, avoiding the question, to him the answer was obvious,

"Oh no, it's just the rain," Neela lied as she walked into the kitchen,

'**Now that I _know_ was a lie' **Ray thought but he knew better than to push it.

"So what brings you by?"

"I thought we could hang out."

"What about Amy? Won't she be missing you?" Neela asked taking off her coat not really wanting to hear the answer,

"Nah, she's out with friends and I didn't have anything else to do, so I thought I'd come by."

"Oh, so I'm your last resort." She said feeling dejected,

"Wait," he said as she walked to her room, "I didn't mean it like that."

"It's fine," Neela said,

"Will you stop saying that?" Ray said his voice rising, "talk to me, tell me what's really going on in that head of yours."

Neela smiled and let out a breath, he was so cute when he angry "I'd love to, but after the day I've had it's really not a good idea. I just want to crash and do nothing."

"Okay," Ray said knowing that was all the opening up he was going to get, "we can do nothing together."

"I'd like that," Neela smiled, "I'm going to get changed, try and make yourself useful."

"Who made you my mother?" he laughed, happy that their playfulness had returned if only for tonight.

"Why do you have beer in your fridge?" Ray asked as she came out her room wearing the same shirt she'd had on the last time he was there. "you don't like this brand."

**'God, she's killing me. How can I leave when she looks like that?" **

"No, but you do." Neela said collapsing onto the sofa, "you're gonna think is stupid, but when I went shopping I completely forgot that you didn't live here. I've gotten so used to the routine you know. I go shopping, you eat everything, I yell at you for eating everything and have to buy more, etc etc….."

Ray knew exactly what she meant, he did the same thing, he had made coffee for Amy the way Neela liked it too many times to count.

"Wanna watch a movie?" he asked turning on the TV,

"Sure," she said putting a cushion on his lap as he sat down.

"Hey, who said you could do that?" he laughed as she rested her head on his lap,

"I did, my apartment, my rules," she smiled, "besides you're not going to be here long, might as well make use of you when I can."

**'Don't even go there'** he told himself, as images of him and Neela doing things he should only be doing with Amy flashed through his mind.

Ray rested his hand on her shoulder, telling himself that there was nowhere else to put it while Neela rested her hand on his knee, just so she could touch him. It was just like old times as they watched the movie, Ray would crack jokes about the actors and Neela would pretend she didn't find them funny.

As the credits rolled, Ray realised that Neela's breathing had slowed and that she hadn't spoken for a long time,

**'She's asleep,'** he thought as he ran his fingers through her hair,

"Ray….." she mumbled,

"Yeh," he answered but realised she was dreaming when she didn't answer,

"Don't leave me," she whispered into the silence around them. Ray's hand stilled in her hair as his heart shattered, he had never heard her voice so broken

"I won't," he said, "I promise," he ran a hand through his hair thanking god that she was asleep and knowing there was no way he could keep the promise he had just made.


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting this, I've been having trouble accesing the internet

Chapter 10 

"Ahh!" Ray hissed as Neela elbowed him in the ribs,

Neela heard the noise and lifted her head from his lap, momentarily forgetting where she was, seeing the look of pain on his face as he rubbed his side she understood what she had done.

"Oh Ray, I'm sorry," she said lifting his shirt so that she could assess the damage, although she didn't know why, it was highly unlikely that anything she did could cause any actual damage.

**'You're half is size,' **her brain told her, but she wasn't listening as she just stared at the skin she had uncovered.

"It's okay, no permanent damage," he smiled, his heart fluttering as she touched him, he pulled his t-shirt down as they just sat staring at each other, thoughts of anyone else vanished from their minds.

"Sorry," Neela mumbled again as she stepped away from the sofa, embarrassed at having been caught staring.

Ray stood up and stared at her as she faced away from him, she turned back to look at him and smiled nervously. She couldn't ignore the obvious 'moment' they had just shared, but it wasn't her place to bring it up, Ray was well and truly off limits and she had to remember that.

"Well, I'm uh…. Just going to head to bed," she said motioning to her room,

"Okay," he said sliding his hands into his pockets, "Um…. Do you mind if I….." he trailed off looking at his old room,

"No of course not," Neela said getting the message, "It's probably safer, you've had a few beers and you're tired. Wouldn't want you winding up in the ER for the wrong reasons now would we?"

"No," he breathed as he walked into his room, "Goodnight." He smiled from his doorway as she walked into her own room.

Pulling off his t-shirt he lay down on the bed and tried to banish Neela's words from his head,

_'Don't leave me.' _

But no matter how hard he tried they echoed around him, he tossed and turned, he tapped his fingers on the bedside table, trying to drown them out, but they just got louder and louder until he couldn't take it anymore.

Jumping up from his bed he walked to Neela's room and quietly opened her door, he stood in the doorway and watched her.

"I miss you," he whispered,

His voice startled her and she turned to see him standing in her doorway, a hand on either side of it, his face was hidden by the darkness, but she didn't need to see it to feel his pain, she could hear it in his voice. She had to fight back a sigh as her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she took in the fact that he was shirtless. She knew she shouldn't, but she moved on the bed and motioned for him to sit down next to her.

Ray stepped carefully into her room, his mind telling him to turn back, he was entering forbidden territory, but his heart ignored all the warning signs and pushed him into to the room.

"I know," she whispered to him, "but you'll get used to it."

Ray looked in to her eyes and brushed a stray strand of hair from her eyes, "What if I don't want to?" he asked,

Neela's heart cracked as she heard the words she had been waiting so long to hear, but she couldn't just accept them, she couldn't tell him he didn't have to. She had to be a true friend, she had to help him get over this and go back to his girlfriend. She had to go against everything that _she_ wanted and do the right thing.

"Ray," she started but was stopped as he cupped her cheek and put his thumb over her lips, for a long time he just looked in to her eyes trying to understand the mixed emotions that he saw there.

"Don't get me wrong," he finally said pulling his hand away, Neela instantly missed the contact, "I'm happy with Amy but……."

"It's the not the same?" Neela finished for him, before lying back against the pillows, "I know, believe me I know."

Ray smiled and lay back next to her, he should have known that she would understand, she always did.

They both lay there looking up at her ceiling, sharing more in silence than they ever could with words; it was if they could feel each other's emptiness and that being together in sorrow, somehow filled the void in each other's hearts.

Neela turned to Ray and rested her head on his shoulder and his arm automatically wrapped around her.

"I'm glad that you're happy," she whispered, "I know that it's weird right now, but just give it time, pretty soon you'll forget all about me." She joked, but Ray wasn't laughing,

"I would never forget you," he said stroking her hair, "Never."

"You say that now," she said leaning up to look into his eyes, "but one day what we had will be a distant memory to you ….. and to me," she added hoping he couldn't see through the lie, she would never forget.

Ray looked down at her, trying to find some crack in her façade, something to show that she was lying or that she wasn't as certain as she seemed and he found it in her eyes. They were her biggest weakness, they always gave her away.

"Well, that day hasn't come yet," he sighed as she settled her head on to his chest, her warm breath dancing over his skin,

**'I hope it never does' **he thought as he pulled her closer,

"Let's just forget about that day for now Ray." Neela said as she absentmindedly ran her fingers across his chest, the feeling so natural she didn't realise she was doing it.

Ray gently kissed the top of her head, the kiss so light she wasn't sure if it was real as she closed her eyes and let the night surround her.

That day was too far into the future to think about and all that mattered to them now was this one perfect night that they would spend in each other's arms. Not as lovers, maybe not even as friends, there was no word that could define them in that moment. All the boundaries and obstacles of their lives had vanished and there was just the knowledge that this night was the only time they could truly be themselves around each other, no pretenses, no lies, just them.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 

Neela opened her eyes as the sunlight filtered in from outside, she turned to face where Ray had been last night, she sighed when she felt that he was gone, she hadn't expected him to be there but she had hoped.

**'A girl can dream,' **

And dream she had, she blushed as she remembered the way Ray had looked at her in her dream, in her dreams he wanted her, he needed her. She wanted to live in her dreams forever.

She walked into the kitchen, she needed some coffee to prepare her for the day ahead. Staying away from Ray now was going to be so much harder. Her eyes fell on a piece of paper on the table,

_Neela, _

_Thanks for last night; it was fun to just hang out the way we used to, _

_I'm sorry for the way I acted…… later on _

Neela smiled as she saw his hesitation, he couldn't face it either, effectively they had slept together, it was _only_ sleeping but it still changed everything. She was confused as to why he was sorry though.

_I shouldn't have burdened you with my problems, the stuff I said was stupid, just forget about it, _

_See you at work _

_Ray _

Neela threw the note down on the table, fury in her eyes,

**'Stupid? Missing me is stupid? Fine then, if that's the way he wants it.' **

Neela slammed the bathroom door and started the shower,

**'Maybe staying away from him might not be so hard.' **

X X X X

"Where the hell have you been?" Amy yelled as Ray entered the apartment early that morning.

"Nice to see you too!" Ray said, that wasn't the welcome he was expecting.

"Well?" Amy pressed, "I called here last night, you weren't home."

"Sorry Mom," Ray said sarcastically, "I didn't realise I had to ask permission to leave. I went to see a friend"

"You were with _her_ weren't you?" Amy spat reading between the lines.

"Her?" Ray asked playing dumb, "You'll have to be more specific I have lots of friends."

"Neela," Amy simply said,

"Yeh," he said, "Is that a problem? You were with your friends, I was with mine."

"Don't give me that." Amy said walking up to him and looking him in the eye, "I know there's more to it than that. I'm not stupid."

Ray sighed and looked down at the ground; he knew she was right, there was more, just not the more she thought. Should he tell the truth? What difference would it make, technically he hadn't actually done anything wrong. He knew that wasn't the point though, he hadn't done it …….but he'd wanted to.

"Look Ame's" he said putting his hands on his shoulders, "nothing happened, I promise. We're just friends."

"Are you sure?" Amy asked, "Because I constantly feel like I'm competing with her."

"Neela is my friend, you're my girlfriend." He said simply, hoping he could convince himself, "You don't have to compete. I need to go take a shower before work okay."

He walked to the bathroom, hoping that he could wash away the guilt. He had lied to the two people he cared about most and there was no turning back from it now. He knew now that he had to choose, Neela or Amy, f he kept trying to have them both he would lose everything.

X X X X

"Ray" Abby called, "You're looking very relaxed today."

"I am?' he asked, "Must be because I slept really well last night." He smiled, remembering holding Neela in his arms.

"It's good to see you a bit happier," she smiled, "I don't know what's up with Neela though, she seems really tense today."

Ray's heart sank as he imagined all the things that he could have done wrong to cause that,

**'Don't flatter yourself Barnett, her whole life doesn't revolve around you, it could be anything.' **

As soon as he saw the look in her eyes though, he knew that he had done something,

"What did I do this time?" he asked as she walked by,

"Oh nothing Ray, I'm just being _stupid_." She said as she walked away, Ray leaned against the desk and tried to understand her sudden change in attitude.

"I thought we were okay now," he said as he caught her up,

"So did I," she said fumbling with her charts, "guess that was _stupid_ of me." She said, unable to believe he didn't understand.

As he ran the words through his head again, it all clicked in to place,

"Is this about the note I left? I'm sorry but I didn't want to wake you and I had to leave." He said hoping he was right and that it wasn't something else upsetting her.

"You're priceless you know that? You come over to _my_ place, tell you that you miss me, _then_ tell me that it's stupid and you want to act like nothing ever happened. I'm sorry Ray but sometimes it's a little hard to keep up with you."

"I never said that missing you was stupid," he said, hoping that he hadn't, he didn't think that he talked in his sleep but who knows maybe he did. He still didn't think that he would say that though, it was so far from true.

Neela raised an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms; his smile wasn't going to get out of the situation.

"I'm sorry," he finally said, "I see know how what I wrote must have seemed like, but it wasn't what I meant. I meant that it was stupid of me to …… to tell you the truth Neela, I don't really know what I meant. All I can say is that I'm sorry and that I don't in anyway think that missing you is stupid. I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and if there was anyway that I could stop it I would."

Neela had to tell herself to be quiet, there was a way that he could stop it, but both of them knew he would never do it.

Ray touched her arm as she started to smile; she knew how hard it must have been for him to confess what he had. Especially when you have a girlfriend, confessing that you miss being with another woman is a dangerous thing to do.

Neela placed her hand over his and leaned into him a little,

"I'm sorry too, I overreacted, it's just last night was so great, and when I woke up this morning it was all over. I….."

"I know," he whispered, "I know,"

Ray cupped her cheek with his hand, the way he had the night before and Neela closed her eyes letting the memories surround her.

**'This is wrong.' **Her mind screamed at her,

"I have to go," she said her eyes snapping open, "I'll uh….. see you around okay?"

"Yeh," Ray said reluctantly pulling his hand away, he took her by the arm again as she started to walk away, "Are we okay now?" he asked a smile on his face, "You think we can last a day without fighting?"

"Yeh I think so," Neela smiled, "If I don't see you later have a good shift and goodnight."

"Yeh, goodnight," he said as she walked away.

When Neela was out of sight Ray rubbed his hands across his face and sighed,

**'I'm in big trouble,' **

He'd finally realised that he was in love; it just wasn't with the right person.

**'What am I going to do?' **

He had two options, stay with Amy, 'the safe choice' and deny his feelings for Neela, or risk losing everything by leaving Amy and telling Neela how he felt. He swallowed hard as he made his decision, not thinking for a second that it was the right one.

'**Coward**.' He told himself as he went back to work.


	13. Chapter 12

A/N: Just wanted to thank you all for sticking with this fic, I know I've dragged it out a little bit at times, but I wanted to make it belivable and show the struggle that Ray was having. He does finally get his act together though... I promise

Chapter 12 

"I'm going on a break," Ray told Abby as he checked his pockets for his cell phone,

"Okay, I'll page you if we need you."

"Hey Brett." Ray said as his friend answered his phone, "can you meet me for lunch. I need help."

"I've been telling you that for years," Brett laughed,

"No, I'm serious," Ray said, "I don't know what to do and this is driving me crazy."

"Sure," Brett said, his friend's tone worrying him, "Where do you want to meet?"

"Outside the hospital," Ray answered, "as soon as you can."

"I'll be there." Was the last thing Ray heard before the dial tone.

X X X X

"So, what's the problem?" Brett asked, sitting down on the step next to Ray "Second thoughts, let me guess, your mind is playing the Neela vs Amy game and you don't know who you want to win."

Ray looked up at his friend, his eyes searching for answers but not finding any.

"We need to get you a beer," Brett said,

"No, I'm working," Ray said, "and besides I don't think alcohol will help clear my mind, do you?"

"Good point," Brett agreed, "so before we start lets lay out what we're dealing with here. You're dating Amy but you're in love with Neela….."

Ray looked up at his friend as the words left his mouth; he couldn't believe that Brett already knew when he had only just realised it himself.

"What?" Brett asked, "Did you think I couldn't tell, everyone knows. Besides you it seems. So, let's start again, you're dating Amy, you love Neela, Neela loves you……. You know I really don't see the problem here."

"It's not that simple," Ray sighed, "and Neela is _not_ in love with me. She said we were just friends."

"Only because you have a girlfriend and she thinks that's what you want to hear. Just tell Amy how you feel and move back home with Neela, there, problem solved."

Ray laughed and took a sip of his coffee before looking back at his friend, wishing his problem _was_ solved.

"I can't do that. I made a commitment to Amy, I can't just back out of it, especially when I don't know how Neela will react."

"Why did you ask me here if you're not going to listen to me?" Brett asked, "I know for a fact that Neela loves you, sure Amy is great but to be honest I don't think she'll ever love anyone as much as she loves herself."

"Hey!" Ray said, "That was out of line. I may not be in love with her but she is still my girlfriend."

"Do you have any idea how twisted that sentence was?" Brett asked unable to hide his amusement,

"Wait a minute, how are you so sure that Neela loves me?" Ray asked his mind finally processing that information.

"Ummm….." Brett mumbled, regretting mentioning it, he'd been sworn to secrecy, "I can tell you, on one condition, Neela never finds out. I hear she's handy with a scalpel and I don't want her practicing on me."

"Okay, I promise I won't say a word." Ray said, fully intent on trying to keep that promise.

"Shetoldme." Brett said running the words together before he could back out.

"She what?" Ray asked in disbelief,

"You heard me," Brett said, "I was waiting for you one night, Neela was home and we started talking, somehow I got her to admit it. She's much easier to crack than you."

"And you never told me this why?" Ray asked, his mind racing with his new found information,

"Because believe it or not I quite like having all my limbs _attached_ to my body." Brett laughed, "Look man, I've done all I can, the rest is up to you. Use this information wisely," he smiled, he liked acting superior for a change.

"I'm gonna go home early," Ray said, "I can't concentrate now; I'll tell them I'm sick."

"I may not be a doctor," Brett said as they headed out of the door, "but I can see that the only thing wrong with you is being an idiot."

"Oh thanks for the support there, it really helps." Ray said sarcastically,

"What are friends for?" Brett said as he spotted Neela in the ambulance bay, "Tell her!" He called back to Ray as Neela walked up to him.

"Tell who what?" Neela asked,

Ray just stared at her, unable to believe that she had really told Brett what she had,

**'If he's messing with me I'll kill him.' **

"That I'm not feeling well," he lied, "I'm gonna go home."

"You do feel a little hot," Neela said as she touched his forehead,

**'Keep touching me and I'm going to melt'** he thought

Neela swallowed hard as she forced herself to pull her hand away,

"You go get your stuff, I'll let people know." She smiled as they entered the ER,

"Thanks," he smiled, finally happy that he knew what to do but dreading that he had to actually do it.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 

Ray settled his hands in the small of her back as she kissed her way up his shoulder, he lent his head against the sofa and tried to figure out how, 'going home to break up with his girlfriend' had morphed in to 'making out with said girlfriend while she was half naked.'

Taking another look at her in his arms he'd settled on the fact that he was a guy, and the he would do anything to avoid talking about his feelings with a girl, even it meant playing along when all he wanted to do was run away.

Ray closed his eyes as Amy kissed his lips, instead of darkness he saw Neela, smiling at him and leaning in to kiss him, he cupped her cheek the way he always did, he loved the way it fit in his palm and kissed her back, and the world went dark.

"Hmmm," a disembodied voice sighed in the darkness, a voice that was most definitely not Neela's.

Ray opened his eyes instantly and held Amy by the shoulders, holding her slightly away from him as he got his thoughts together.

**'Oh god, it's happening again.' **

He had imagined Neela instead of Amy once before, it was the first time they had made love, he'd chalked it up to the alcohol that time, but this time he was sober and he knew he couldn't deny it now.

"Babe, are you okay?" Amy asked as she stroked his arm,

"Um…. Yeh" he lied, the concern in his eyes weakening him, he didn't have the heart to tell her what he had come home to say, "I just remembered that I was supposed to do something, I'll be right back." He said as he practically jumped off the sofa and sprinted to the door.

**'I have to get out of here!' **

X X X X

He walked the streets of Chicago for what seemed like hours, too afraid to go home and face Amy and too nervous to go and see Neela, he was stuck in limbo and he didn't like it.

His feet seemed to come to a stop all by themselves and he shook himself out of his thoughts and tried to get his bearings. He smiled when he realised that he was standing outside the jumbomart, if that wasn't a sign then what was?

**'Dr. Jumbomart.' **He remembered, what on earth had possessed him to call her that? It was like asking her to dislike him from day one, although she seemed to get over it, he could still feel where her hand had taken his they day she agreed to be his roommate.

**'I'm pathetic,' **he thought**, 'even when I'm thinking of how to break up with my girlfriend I can't stop thinking about Neela.' **

Turning himself around he started to head home, having finally decided that no matter how bad he felt about hurting Amy, nothing was as bad as keeping secrets from Neela.

**'I'm going to do it…..**'he told himself confidently, '…..**tomorrow' **

X X X X

Ray ran through all the scenarios that had kept him awake last night for a final time, not liking any of them as they all ended with him being slapped in the face.

Amy looked at him as she made the coffee, knowing that something or rather _someone_ was on his mind. She had grown to accept that she'd never be the first woman in his thoughts; she'd deluded herself that in time he would forget about Neela, she just hadn't planned on it taking quite this long.

"Here," she said putting the coffee down in front of him, he just kept staring at the wall. "I broke your favourite guitar," she added trying to get his attention, but got nothing from him, "the apartment is on fire," still nothing, "Neela called." She said resorting to desperate measures.

"What?" he said reacting as soon as he heard her name,

"I thought that would get your attention,' she said clearly not impressed,

Ray smiled guiltily at her, "Sorry," he saw the look in her eyes and knew this was the time; he either had to tell her the truth or forget about Neela, he knew there was really only one option.

"We need to talk…." He started, "actually _I_ need to talk."

"You need to go to work," Amy cut him off knowing what was coming; she didn't want to hear it. She hated being second best but she hated the thought of him leaving her more, she'd rather share him that not have him at all.

"This is important," Ray insisted,

"I'm sure it is, but so is your job. You can tell me after work, I'll make us something nice for dinner." She smiled,

Ray felt even guiltier, here he was trying to break up with her and she was being nice to him, completely oblivious…. or so he thought.

"Come on," she said grabbing her coat, "I'll go with you; it'll be nice to see your friends again."

She hoped he couldn't see her ulterior motive, the more she interacted with his friends, the harder it would be for him to leave, she knew it was deceitful, but she was playing for keeps and would do anything to make sure Neela didn't win.


	15. Chapter 14

A;N Sorry for the delay... again. Real life has been getting in the way.

Chapter 14

Amy took Ray's hand in hers as they entered the ER, showing everyone there that he was hers. Ray looked down at their hands and smiled nervously as she looked at him,

**'This is all I need' **

"Well I better go," he said taking his hand away from her and starting to walk away,

**"**Wait," she said pulling him back and kissing him, Ray stood perfectly still and didn't kiss her back. He felt like the worst person ever when he saw the look in her eyes as she pulled away,

"Sorry," he said, "I'll get in trouble," he said trying to excuse his behaviour, he knew he was being unfair to her, but he had tried to tell her. That counted for something right?

"Right," Amy said walking towards the door, "I'll see you later then."

"Sure," he said dreading what he had to do when he got home. He watched her walk away and sighed,

**'When did my life get so messed up?' **

He turned away from the exit and saw Neela watching him, or rather trying to pretend she wasn't watching him. This gave him hope that what Brett had said was true, it wasn't that he didn't trust him; it was just that it was too amazing to be true.

"Hey," he smiled,

"Hi," she smiled back, melting him inside the way she always did, "You feeling better today?"

"Huh," he said forgetting his excuse the day before, "oh yeh, thanks," he smiled, when it fell into place.

"Good, wouldn't want to go all day without you bugging me." She laughed nudging him playfully.

"Oh no, we wouldn't want that, how ever would you cope?" he said nudging her back,

"Hey!' she laughed, "no fair, you're bigger than me."

Ray just grinned at her and nudged her again, Abby looked over at her friends playing around and smiled, finally things were looking up for them, but this was Ray and Neela and something always went wrong, it was just a matter of time.

"Don't you two have work to do?" she asked,

"Bugging Neela _is_ my work," Ray smiled,

"I don't think Weaver would see it that way," Abby smiled, "speaking of which is that her over there?"

Ray bolted from his position and ran to the locker room; she had never seen him move so fast,

"That was mean." Neela laughed,

"Yeh but it was fun."

"True," Neela agreed as Ray glared at Abby from across the ER,

"So you guys seem happier," Abby said,

"Yeh we are," Neela smiled, "I still miss him like crazy but I've decided to stop wallowing in misery and be happy for the time we do get."

"Sounds like a plan." Abby smiled, "Well I better get back to work, see you later."

"Bye," Neela smiled as Ray approached her,

"I'm going to make her pay for that," he smiled, "she's evil."

"Oh you know you love it really," Neela smiled handing him a chart.

The word 'love' echoed around him and he decided that he should say something now before he backed out, he could talk to Amy later, it would be hard either way but if he knew that he had Neela to go home to it might not be so difficult.

**'Getting a little ahead of yourself aren't you?' **he said to himself**, 'You don't even know how she feels yet.' **

"Um …… do you have a minute?" He asked trying not to stutter,

"Right now?" she asked,

"Yeh," he said, if they put it off he knew he'd back out,

"Sure," she said as Ray took her by the arm and led her to a quiet corner,

"Okay…." He said taking a deep breath, "I've been wanting to say this for a while, I should have said it before and I'm sorry that I didn't and……"

"Ray," Neela stopped him, "you're rambling,"

"Right, right," he said running a hand through his hair, "Okay, I'll get to the point, Neela I……"

"Rasgotra, phone call." Frank called cutting him off,

Neela turned to face him and then looked back at Ray who looked like he'd just been punched in the stomach,

"Ray I ….." she started not knowing what to do, "do you mind if I…….. it might be important."

"Sure," he finally said, "I'll be here when you're finished."

Neela walked over to the phone and Ray just shook his head,

**'Someone out there hates me' **

X X X X

"Hello?" Neela said as she took the receiver, Ray walked closer wanting to hear who had interrupted him and assumed it was someone from her family when she started talking in Punjabi.

Ray had no idea what she was saying but the tone of her voice and the panicked look on her face told him it wasn't good. She set the receiver down slowly and barely moved, when her knees buckled and she started to fall to the ground Ray jumped into action.

He wrapped his arms around her and caught her before she hit the floor, but her momentum caused him to fall, so he ended up sitting on the floor with a clearly shaken Neela in his lap. In any other situation this would be a dream but right now he didn't know what it was. He turned her to face him and held her face in her hands as the rest of the ER staff looked on in shock and confusion.

"Neela," he whispered as he tried to get her to look at him, "Baby what's wrong?"

Abby looked at him strangely at his choice of words but he didn't notice, he didn't even know that he'd said it.

Neela pushed herself up and stood in front of Ray, who immediately missed being so close to her, he stood up himself and put his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm fine," she said putting her hand on his, "but I have to go home."

"I'll get someone to cover and I'll drive you," he said staying close to her despite the fact that people were watching.

"No Ray…. I mean I have to go home……to England."


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 

Ray's world collapsed around him, not only because she was going so far away but for her to go all the way home and to almost faint something pretty bad must have happened.

"What happened?" he asked as they went to go and find Weaver, Neela wanted to leave as soon as possible.

"My Dad was in a car accident," she said,

"Oh god, I'm so sorry." He said taking her hand and stopping her in the hallway,

"Thanks," she smiled, squeezing his hand, "they said he's stable at the moment, but we know how fast things can change,"

"He'll be fine," Ray said as they started walking again, Neela just smiled at him, she was beyond worried about her Dad but having Ray with her was calming her.

She stopped outside Weaver's office,

"I have to do this by myself." She said knowing Ray would understand,

"Okay, I'll wait for you," he smiled as she walked away not letting go of his hand until the last minute.

X X X X

Ray looked up as the door opened and Neela and Weaver came out,

"Take all the time you need," Weaver said, "Ray, can you take Neela home?"

Neela was about to protest that she was fine but she stopped when she realised that it would be the last time she got to spend with him for a while. She felt guilty about thinking about Ray when her father was hurt, but she couldn't help it, she needed a friend and Ray was the one she wanted.

Ray smiled at her as they headed to get her things, all thoughts of what he was going to say earlier pushed to the back of his mind, right now all she needed was a _friend_ and that was what he was going to be.

X X X X

Neela packed her things as quickly as she could while Ray sat awkwardly on the sofa not knowing what he was supposed to do. Should he help?

**'I'll probably just get in the way.' **

He just sat and waited until she was ready to leave, he'd offered to drive her to the airport. He would have offered to go with her if he thought she would say yes.

"I'm ready," she said as she came out of her room. He looked up at her and could see the signs that she had been crying on her cheeks. He stood up and walked up to her, wrapping his arms around her without saying a word, the world disappeared as she put her arms around his neck and moulded her body to his.

"Thank you," she whispered, "I don't know what I'd do if you hadn't……."

"Shhh," he cut her off, "don't even think about that, I'm here…..always."

"We better go," she said, "I just hope there's a flight soon."

X X X X

They waited at the airport for hours, the first flight was cancelled, the second was full, finally there was a third but it didn't leave until seven o'clock.

"You don't have to wait with me." Neela said for the hundredth time, felling guilty that she was holding up his day, but secretly not wanting him to leave.

"I can't hear you." Ray said playfully, "I'm staying until you leave, now stop trying to get rid of me."

Neela smiled and shrugged her shoulders, glad that he wasn't listening to her for the first time ever.

"What were you going to say earlier?" she asked,

Ray froze in his seat, he had been dreading that question all day, he knew it was too much to hope for that she had forgotten his little 'episode' that morning.

"It's not important anymore, I'll tell you some other time." He said as calmly as he could,

"You sure? We do have a lot of time to kill?"

"I'm sure," he said, knowing if he said it the only thing being killed would be him, for choosing such a bad time to confess his feelings.

"Okay then, doing nothing is driving me crazy and making me think about things I shouldn't, so let's play a game."

Ray looked at her curiously,

**'What could she be thinking about'**? He thought, hoping it was about him, but realising it was probably about her Dad. '**She's probably assuming the worst and wants to take her mind off of it.' **

He had no idea how wrong he was.

X X X X

"I spy with my little……" Neela started,

"No, no," Ray laughed, "I've reached my 'I spy' limit for this century."

They had resorted to playing children's games to pass the time; it had helped Neela stop obsessing over her Dad and Ray, for a while anyway.

"Okay, what about noughts and crosses?" she said taking a pen and paper out of her bag,

"What and what?" Ray asked,

"You don't know what noughts and crosses is? You're lying." She said in disbelief,

"I'm not," he said, "I swear," he said as she looked at him dubiously,

"Okay," she said drawing out 2 vertical lines on the paper, followed by 2 horizontal lines crossing through them.

"That's tic tac toe." He said, "You silly Brits changed the name" he smiled,

"Are we going to have the '_American vs. British'_ argument again?" she laughed, after living together for two years they'd had that discussion many a time.

It had started when she had asked him to buy some chips when he went shopping but he had come back with, what was to her, crisps. He had protested for hours that he'd bought what she'd asked for until they had decided to call a truce.

Neela smiled at the memory and when she looked at Ray she saw that he was thinking the same thing, her heart sank when she remembered that that wouldn't be happening again.

"Now boarding flight 207 Chicago to London," a woman's voice came over the tannoy getting their attention."

They both stood and reached for her bag, he got to it first and smiled as he handed it to her,

"Well, I better go." She said,

"Yeh, have a safe trip," he said awkwardly not knowing whether to hug her, shake her hand or just let her go.

"Bye," she smiled and then turned to walk away from him, she took two steps before she dropped her bag and walked back to him and wrapped her arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her up slightly never wanting to let go.

He finally put her down and blinked back his own tears when he saw hers, the seriousness of the situation finally hitting her,

"It'll be okay," he said, he was tempted again to ask if she wanted him to come. He hadn't told her but when they had been back at the apartment he had taken his passport just in case.

"Okay," she said, stepping back, "I'll call you,"

"Bye," he said as she picked up her bag,

"No… not goodbye, I'll see you soon." She corrected.

As she handed her ticket over and walked out of sight Ray pondered her words, he was happy that she wasn't saying goodbye.

**'The way I did to her'** he added,

But the sight of her walking away from him killed him, he felt empty. He hadn't realised now just how much it hurt to have someone walk away from you, especially when you knew you couldn't ask them to come back. He smiled at the irony of it, Neela had just done to him by accident what he had purposefully done to her when he had gone to live with Amy.

'**Oh crap, Amy!**' he thought, remembering that she was cooking for them tonight, '**I'm a dead man.'**

**A/N: For those who don't know, in England, chips are what American's call fries, and what American's call chips are crisps in England. That's why Ray and Neela confused each other and I think that I've just confused everybody, let me know if this doesn't make sense. **


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 

"Miss... your seatbelt." The flight attendant said for the second time as Neela just sat staring out of the window.

"Oh sorry," Neela smiled fastening it, "I was miles away."

"Got a lot on your mind?" the woman whose nametag said Louise asked her as she took her own seat facing her.

"You could say that." Neela said, "There's been a family emergency at home, that's why I'm going," Neela explained not sure why she was sharing this with someone she barely knew.

"I'm sorry," Louise smiled, "I hope that everything is okay."

"Thank you." Neela answered, "but that's not my only problem."

"It wouldn't have anything to do with the guy you were sitting with would it?" Louise asked, raising her voice slightly as they started to take off.

Neela looked at her in surprise, **'Is it so obvious that even strangers can tell?' **

Louise shook her head slightly and started to apologise,

"I'm sorry, it's not my place to ask that, I have a tendency to pry."

"No no, don't worry," Neela said, "I was just shocked that you could tell. The guy is my ex-roommate."

"Who you're in love with but for whatever reason can't tell him that." Louise finished for her,

"Exactly," Neela smiled, "I would tell him, but I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate it."

"I can see how that would be a problem." Louise said sympathetically, "Excuse me, I have to go now," she said as she went back to work.

"Okay, thanks for listening." Neela said as she walked away. She put her head back against her seat feeling slightly better, Louise hadn't told her anything she didn't already know, but somehow vocalising it to someone who was impartial and wouldn't judge her had helped.

**'When I get home, I have to do something about this, but what.' **

Neela closed her eyes and sighed as she realised she had about 4000 miles worth of alone time ahead of her, that should be plenty of time to think of something.

X X X X

Ray gently pushed the door open, staying behind it for as long as possible, expecting sharp objects to be flying at his head.

He spotted Amy sitting on the sofa watching TV, and bit his lip nervously as he saw the dinner she had prepared on the table.

"Don't even try," she said looking at him, "Whatever you have to say isn't going to make me forgive you."

She was angry that he hadn't come home, furious that he hadn't called and absolutely livid that the look in his eyes proved her theory of who he had been with.

Ray opened his mouth to speak but it was too late, by the time he had thought of the words the bedroom door had already slammed in his face. He sank down on to the sofa and ran his hands through his hair. This should be making him happy, well maybe not happy but relieved at least. If Amy was mad at him then it wouldn't hurt her so much when he left….. right?

'**Wrong'** he told himself as he settled down for a long night on the sofa.


	18. Chapter 17

A/N: As the last chapter was quite short I thought I'd let you have another one. I know a lot of you really want Amy to go away, and I promise she will very soon, she just needs to stick around a little longer to serve her purpose lol.

Chapter 17 

"Has she called yet?" Ray asked Abby,

"You mean since you asked me …… 20 minutes ago?" Abby smiled looking at her watch.

His constant asking was incredibly irritating but also really sweet. Neela had been gone a week and he hadn't spoken to her since she had been gone. She had given Ray her number before she'd left but he couldn't bring himself to call, he felt like he was intruding, Abby was the only one who had spoken to her since she had left.

"Call her." Abby insisted, "Before I hurt you."

Ray smiled and looked between Abby and the phone,

"I can't do it now," he said, "It'll be too early there."

"Whatever," Abby smiled, "that excuse is getting old."

Ray picked up the phone as Abby walked away, dialed half of the number, panicked about what he would say, and put the phone down. He took a deep breath and started again and freaked about what he would do if someone other than Neela answered the phone, how would he introduce himself? Friend? Ex-roommate? Colleague?

"Barnett!" Weaver called, "When you're finished playing with your new friend 'Mr. Phone', you think you could help with this trauma?"

Ray dropped the phone and almost sprinted towards the doors as the paramedics came through,

**'I'll do it later…… maybe' **

X X X X

Ray peeled his bloody shirt off and threw it away,

**'Why do I keep wearing my good stuff to work?" **

He knew why he used to; at first it was because he wanted to impress patients, of female variety that is. Then it was because he wanted to look good whenever Neela was around and partly because she refused to leave the apartment with him without checking his outfit first.

He smiled as he remembered one time when she had practically pulled his shirt off because he wouldn't change. Chills ran through him as he remembered the way she had touched him.

"Oh sorry," Abby said as she half – stepped in and out of the locker room.

"Wait," Ray called back grabbing a shirt, "I'm done in here."

**'Now I know why Neela loved living with him so much.' **Abby thought,** 'Damn, he's hot.' **

"Abby…. Earth to Abby." Ray smirked slightly as Abby kept staring.

Abby shook herself out of her thoughts,

**'I can't believe I just thought that' **

"So have you done the deed yet?" She asked, referring this time to Amy, not Neela. Since Neela had been gone he'd confided in Abby about his real feelings and what he was going to do about them. That was why he was so anxious for Neela to call; he was worried that Abby had said something, even though he knew it was stupid. She had promised and he knew he should trust her.

"Not yet," he said leaning against his locker, "she's been avoiding me."

"How can you tell?" Abby smiled, "Haven't_ you_ been avoiding her. Neela's going to be back next week; you need to get this sorted."

"When did she tell you that?" he asked excitedly,

"Just a second ago….. she called." Abby explained,

"What? Why didn't you say anything?"

"You were in a trauma. You can talk to her next time." She said as she saw the way he was sulking.

"I guess, well I'm out of here. I need to go and talk to my girlfriend."

"Good luck."

"Thanks, I'm going to need it." Ray said dread filling every part of him.

X X X X

**'So much for talking to my girlfriend' **he thought as he came home to an empty apartment; that was happening more and more lately. Amy had been avoiding him, he kept saying that he needed to talk to her and she knew why. She knew the time would come when he would finally say it, Ray was persistent and she was running out of excuses.

Ray picked up the note on the table, the only form of communication they seemed to have these days.

_Ray, _

_Something came up and I had to go back to work, sorry. There's some leftovers in the fridge for you. I'll be late, don't wait up for me. _

_Love you _

_Amy _

Ray cringed at the word 'love', a word that he knew he could never say back to her. Putting the note down he bypassed the fridge and went straight to the door. If he was going to be alone, he may as well feel at home and there was only one place that he could do that.


	19. Chapter 18

Ray dropped his keys on the table before lying back on the sofa that he missed so much, he was sure that Amy's sofa was a torturing device in a former life.

He loved the way he had positioned the sofa, it was facing away from the door, so he could hide and jump out at Neela when she got back from work. It had been fun….. the first dozen or so times, he always caught her off guard but then she got used to it and found ways to get her revenge. She still hadn't told him where she had hidden his favourite shirt, he'd looked everywhere but he still couldn't find it.

He stared at the ceiling for a while before remembering his reason for coming here, he liked to think that it was because he wanted to feel at home but the truth was without Neela it was just an empty space. He knew the reason he had really gone there was because he was too afraid to call Neela from Amy's, she would know. She always did.

He laughed a little as he dialed the numbers, he still referred to the place where he lived as 'Amy's' and his old apartment as home, that had to be another sign that something was wrong.

"Hello?" the unfamiliar voice said for the second time,

"Oh, sorry" Ray said realising he hadn't answered the first time,

**'Way to make a first impression' **

"Can I speak to Neela please?" he asked nervously, he hadn't felt like this since the first time he had called a girl when he was a kid.

"Sure, I'll just get her for you,"

"Thankyou," he managed to mumble as he heard, _'Neela, Your American friend is on the phone.' _

"Which one?" she asked as she took the phone, but her sister had already gone.

"Hello my American friend.' She laughed,

"Hi yourself, that's a catchy name but I think Ray might be easier." He laughed back, all his nerves gone when he heard her voice.

Neela smiled, she'd been hoping that it was him, her smile faltered slightly as she felt the eyes of her family members staring at her from the kitchen.

"Yeh, you're probably right, can you hold on a second while I switch phones, I have an audience here."

"Sure." He smiled as he relaxed into the sofa,

"Okay, I'm back" she said as she lay down on the bed in her old room, "What can I do for you?"

"Why do you always assume I want something?" he asked,

"Probably because you always do," she explained,

"Yeh you're right….. I just wanted to talk to you."

"I think I can manage that." She smiled to herself enjoying the light banter; they hadn't had enough of that lately.

"How's your Dad?" he asked tentatively, not sure whether he should bring it up.

"He's fine, thanks. It wasn't nearly as bad as they explained it to me."

"That's good," he said not knowing what else to say. Truth be told he would have been happy to just lie there saying nothing, just being able to hear her breath, being connected to her in anyway was enough for him.

"So, how are things back there?" she asked breaking the silence.

"Good," he lied,

"And things with Amy are….." she trailed off so he could finish for her,

'**What did you bring her up for?'** she cursed herself.

"They're okay," he lied again; he wished he hadn't called now, if lying was all he was going to do.

"She doesn't mind you calling me?" Neela pressed,

"Why would she?" Ray asked, confused by Neela's sudden interest.

"Come on Ray, you'd have to be blind to see that she doesn't really like me."

"Sure she does." Ray said, with no idea why he was defending Amy. He knew Neela was right, but he felt like it was his duty to stick up for her.

"Whatever you say." She sighed, not wanting to get any further in to this.

He heard the sigh and felt guilty; he was upsetting her,

"Okay, truth?" he said, "If Amy knew I was calling you, she'd probably have a fit. That's why I'm calling from our apartment."

"You mean my apartment." She corrected him,

"Hey, it's still half mine," he protested,

"Well, in that case, so is half the phone bill. If you think I'm paying for this call, you are sadly mistaken." She laughed,

"Fine, fine, you win" he smiled, walking towards his room,

"Good answer. I see I taught you well." She joked as he lay down and unknowingly mimicked what she was doing over 3000 miles away.

"I hate not being able to come by and see you," he confessed. Being away from her was bad enough torture, but knowing that he couldn't just drop by whenever he wanted to was killing him.

"I'll be back next week and then you can bug me all you want." She teased,

"Oh come on, you know you love …. it really," he bit his lip to stop himself from saying 'me'.

"Damn," she laughed, "looks like you've discovered my secret."

"It's a talent of mine," he smiled

"Well, oh talented one, shouldn't you be going? I know how much you make, and I know you can't afford to keep this conversation going for much longer." She asked, not really wanting him to go.

"True," he smiled, " but I saved up especially for this,"

"Oh did you now?" She laughed, as she relaxed and prepared herself for a long night of useless musings that she would dream about for years to come.


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 

Neela looked at her watch for the second time in as many minutes, she swore that all airports were out to get her; she'd been waiting at the baggage claim for what seemed like an eternity.

"Thank God", she sighed as she saw her suitcase, any longer and she would have snapped.

She marveled at the fact that with all the technology they had at the hospital, you still couldn't get a luggage trolley that moved in a straight line. By the time she reached the taxi area, she had collided with every wall in the airport, and very nearly a few passengers, who had bestowed her with a nice array of glares.

"Tough flight?" the cab driver asked her as she sank in to the chair and told him her address.

"You could say that." She smiled wearily,

"Judging by the accent I'd guess you've come a long way. You on vacation?" he asked, even though he probably didn't care.

"No," Neela smiled, "I'm coming home."

X X X X

"I'm going now," Ray said to Abby, "I want to surprise her."

Abby smiled at the look on his face, he looked like a little boy who had just gotten every toy he'd ever wanted.

"You might need to re-think that," she said feeling bad for him as Amy walked in. She shook her head and walked away hoping that Amy didn't ruin this, she knew it was partly Ray's fault for not breaking up with her when he should have, but Amy wasn't exactly playing fair either.

"Amy? What are you doing here?" He asked, cursing his decision to stay and finish his shift after he'd been given the chance to leave.

"Meeting you after work." She smiled, "We never see each other I thought it would be a nice surprise."

Ray didn't say anything; he knew anything he came out with would be wrong.

"I see that I was wrong." Amy said sharply,

Ray balled his fists in desperation, "Sorry, It's just that Neela gets back today, I wanted to go and see her." He said, knowing that revealing his plan was a bad idea when he saw the look in her eyes.

"I knew there must have been a reason for you getting dressed up," she sighed, "It certainly wasn't for me," she added quietly.

Ray just looked at the floor, Amy was right, there was no point in trying to make an excuse.

"I'll come with you." Amy said causing Ray's heart to sink,

**'Can this get any worse?**' he thought, having no idea just how much worse it was going to get.

X X X X

Turning the key in the lock Neela closed her eyes and imagined her bed, she'd been longing for it the entire time she was away. After a nice hot shower she was just going to collapse…. or so she thought.

"Don't mind me," Neela said sarcastically as she saw Ray and Amy in a passionate embrace on _her_ sofa, "I only _live_ here."

Neela crossed her arms as Amy fell backwards off the sofa and Ray kept looking between them with the guiltiest look he had ever had on his face. He shouldn't feel guilty, he had been trying to stop Amy, to tell her that it was over, but she kept forcing herself on to him.

"It wasn't bad enough that you bought girls home when you actually lived here, but know you're making special trips across town to piss me off." She fumed as she walked away.

Ray winced as he heard the bedroom door slam and saw Amy staring at him, waiting for him to say something,

"I should….." he said gesturing towards Neela's room,

"Typical," Amy said folding her arms,

"Amy look…." He started,

"Just forget it Ray, go to her. I'll be at home." She said as she slammed the front door, leaving him in the living room with his hands over his eyes, trying to understand how he managed to screw everything up as much as he had. He should be happy, he didn't have to worry about breaking up with Amy anymore, there was no way that Amy was going to stay with him now. He'd wanted it to be over but he hadn't wanted it to end that way, he didn't want her to hate him. A few seconds ago, he'd had two women to choose from, now he'd be lucky if either one of them ever spoke to him again

A/N: Coming up next... the chapter you've all been waiting for.


	21. Chapter 20

**A/N: And now... the chapter you've been waiting 19 chapters for lol**

Chapter 20 

"You still here?" Neela snapped as she came back out of her room, "Get out."

"Excuse me." Ray said taken aback by her attitude, he'd never seen her like this before.

"Oh I'm sorry, was I speaking too fast? Get….. Out." She said over-emphasising the words.

"No," he said crossing his arms stubbornly, "this is my apartment too."

"Only when you feel like it," Neela yelled walking up to him, stopping just inches from him. "I don't want you here, leave."

"Don't tell me what to do.' He snapped, "I want to talk, we _need_ to talk."

"No, we don't." Neela fumed, "I don't need anything from you and you certainly don't need me. You don't care about anything other than yourself."

"That's a lie and you know it. I care about _you_, damn it. I was going to break up with Amy for you!" he shouted.

"Like hell you were," she said walking away from him, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back, pushing her against the counter. "That would require courage." She gasped, shocked by Ray's actions and suddenly not feeling quite so tired. It was amazing what having an incredibly hot guy pressed against you could do to your energy levels.

"What!" he asked, slightly hurt that she thought he was a coward, even though he was.

"You were never going to leave her, not when it was easier to stay with her and have both of us."

"That's not true," he said, but couldn't quite convince himself.

"Oh come on, are you saying you never thought it. You knew that no-matter what happened, I would always be here, waiting for you. Good old dependable Neela."

Ray looked down at Neela breathing heavily, trying not to look at her lips and the way her chest heaved when she yelled at him. It was wrong to get this aroused from a fight but he couldn't help it.

"Okay," he breathed, causing Neela to close her eyes as his breath ran over her neck, his proximity driving her crazy, "You're right, I did stall too many times, but I _was_ going to break up with her. It was just so hard, because despite what you think, I _didn't_ know that you would always be here, for so long I had no idea how you felt."

"It's easy to say that now she's not here, but tomorrow will change everything." Neela said, a hint of anger hidden behind the lust in her voice, "Let go of me," she said as Ray's grip tightened on her arm. He wasn't hurting her, he was close to it, but he knew how far he could go. "Let go," she said more strongly as he stared her down, the passion in his eyes breaking down all her walls. She had to get away before she did something she shouldn't; he did still technically have a girlfriend.

"No," he breathed, putting his lips near her ear and pushing back gently, "I know you want this as much as I do."

"Really?' she said her voice barely a whisper, "why so confident?"

"I have my sources." He smiled,

"I'm going to kill Brett," she smiled back, biting her lip to hold in her sigh as he ran his fingers down her arm.

He laughed and cupped her cheek with his hand, rubbing his thumb across it, "I've missed you roomie," he smiled before his lips met hers.

Neela opened her lips slightly so he could deepen the kiss; he lifted her up and sat her on the counter so that they were level with each other. He pulled back to look at her, intending to ask if this was okay, he didn't want to move too fast, but Neela wrapped her legs around his and pulled him back to her.

Neela couldn't stop her moan as he put his arms around her waist and pulled her closer,

"Why did this take us so long?" she asked as he kissed his way up her neck,

Ray pulled back and looked in her eyes, the emotion there bringing tears to his; he could see how much she wanted this. He finally knew that he wasn't alone in his feelings, that look told him there was no turning back now.

"I don't know." He whispered lifting her from the counter and carrying her to his room.

As he lay his roommate down on his old bed, his _girlfriend_ went forgotten in his new one.

**A/N: Ahhhh, now wouldn't that be the perfect ending for our roomies... but you know me things are never that easy. :-)**


	22. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 

Ray should have been sleeping peacefully with the girl of his dreams in his arms, but the constant battle between his emotions, happiness vs. guilt, was tormenting him and keeping sleep as far away as possible.

He knew that by now Amy had probably packed his stuff, or more likely knowing Amy's temper, thrown it out of the window. Not that he blamed her, they way he had treated her was unforgivable and there was no way she didn't know where and more importantly how he had spent the night.

He had never thought he would be the kind of guy to cheat, but looking at Neela lying next to him, the moonlight dancing across her back, he didn't see how he could have said no, besides was it really cheating if you were practically broken up anyway? He sighed and ran his hands through Neela's hair, telling himself to stop worrying and enjoy the moment; he could deal with the Amy tomorrow.

"Ray?" Neela asked sleepily as she heard him sigh, a good idea of what was wrong. "You're stealing all the covers," she smiled, trying to cheer him up.

"Oh, so sorry," he grinned as he covered her up, running his hand up her back at the same time, causing her to shiver.

"Ray," Neela said again a few seconds later, "stop thinking and go to sleep."

Ray chuckled; she always knew what was bothering him.

"Ray," she said again,

"What?" he laughed, her repeating his name becoming like a game,

"I love you." She whispered looking in his eyes.

Happiness momentarily won the battle for domination in his mind, so much so that he forgot to say it back. A fact he didn't realise until Neela curled up and turned away from him.

He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't find any words, if he said it now she'd think he didn't really mean it, but he couldn't just say nothing.

"Neela?" he whispered but got no answer.

Neela knew it was stupid to pretend to be asleep, she knew Ray wouldn't believe she had fallen asleep in a matter of seconds, but she knew if she spoke she wouldn't be able to hide the hurt in her voice.

She didn't understand why he hadn't said it; he'd started all of this, so he had to feel the same way. Right? She decided just to get some sleep, she could think more clearly in the morning.

Ray gave up trying to get an answer and concentrated on how he was going to sort this out in the morning. All of a sudden he didn't want to be able to sleep, he wanted this night to last forever, partly because lying next to Neela whether she was upset or not was a dream come true but mostly because he had a lot of explaining to do in the morning.


	23. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 

Ray had been awake for hours while Neela lay peacefully sleeping next to him, jet lag getting the best of her. He'd thought of waking her up a few times, but decided it would probably be much less threatening to his life if he found something to occupy him while he waited.

He'd cleaned every inch of the apartment…. with actual cleaning products too, Neela would be impressed. He'd put everything they owned in alphabetical order and was now slowly going stir crazy, he had to get out of there.

**'I guess I could go and see Amy' **he thought reluctantly,** 'got to face her at some point.' **

Walking quietly in to his room he grabbed his jacket and kissed Neela goodbye. She stirred lightly as she felt his lips against her skin but didn't show any signs of waking.

Smiling, he left the apartment and headed to Amy's, finally going to do what he should have in the beginning…… be a man and tell the truth.

X X X X

His palms were sweaty as he knocked on her door, he figured just inviting himself him after recent events wouldn't be appreciated.

"Neela kick you out already?" Amy almost sneered as she saw Ray standing outside her door.

"She's asleep," Ray said as he eyed his suitcases waiting by the door as Amy stepped back to let him in.

"Oh boy, you're gonna be in trouble," she smiled, almost gleeful.

"What?" he asked,

"You leave her alone after your first night together with only a note to explain where you are. If that won't spell one-night stand to her, nothing will…….. Wait a minute," she laughed as she saw the look of dread cross his face, "you didn't even leave a note did you?"

Ray didn't answer; there was no way she'd think that. She had to know that he would never treat her like that and that he loved her.

**'Well she would if you had told her….. idiot." **

"I know it's not nice to gloat," Amy smiled, "but I can't help it."

Ray glared at her as he picked up his cases and tried to understand what he had ever seen in her.

"I came to apologise," he said as he inspected his guitar for damage, thankfully finding none, "but now, I don't think I'll bother."

"Crushed I'm sure." Amy glared back, "you know where the door is."

Ray just walked out without a word, he didn't have time to stand around bickering, he had to get home and talk to Neela.

Speed limits drifted to the back of his mind as he drove back to the apartment, Neela would be leaving for work soon, he couldn't miss her.

X X X X

Neela turned over in bed and felt the familiar but unwelcome void in the bed, her soul died as she buried her head in the pillow and cried.

She pulled herself out of the bed as she realised she was overreacting; he could be in the other room for all she knew. She walked into the living room and he was gone, she tried the bathroom and even her old room, she wasn't going to be satisfied until she knew for sure. When she didn't find him she looked for a note, or anything to prove that he had ever been there, but the only thing she found was tears on her cheeks.

**'So this is what a being a one-night stand feels like!'** she thought bitterly as she imagined Ray back in Amy's arms. **'How could I be so stupid?'**

X X X X

"Neela!" Ray called as he walked in the door, "Neela, you here?"

He ran to the bedroom, checked the bathroom, just the way Neela had earlier, with the same result, she was gone and he was a dead man.

"Damn it." He screamed as he kicked the door.

**'Calm down, stop feeling sorry for yourself and fix this.**' he told himself, **'there may not even be anything to fix.'** He hoped but couldn't believe, he knew Neela too well to think she wouldn't have been hurt by what he had done, even if it was unintentional.


	24. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 

"You're gonna need more than that," Abby said eyeing the bunch of flowers in Ray's hand as he walked into the ER, a few hours later than he had planned, it had taken a while to find the courage.

"She told you?" he said despondently as he put the flowers on the admit desk.

"She didn't have to," Abby explained, "the fact that you have to bring her flowers and the mood she's been in all day are proof enough."

"Is it that bad?" he asked warily,

"She could probably take on Weaver in the scariness stakes today."

Ray swallowed, that was one hell of a bad mood.

"What the hell did you do?" Abby sighed,

"It's more like what I didn't do, but I don't have time to explain, I have to see her." Ray said, constantly scanning the room for her.

"She's not here,"

"Where is she?" he asked, almost pleading, Abby had never heard him so desperate.

"I don't know, no-one does." She said, not realizing how much worry those words would cause.

"What do you mean no-one does, how can no-one know?" he asked, fear the only tone in his voice.

**'What if something has happened to her?' **

"She just stormed out about an hour ago, ignoring everyone in her path. Weaver was pissed, the fact that she was late to work didn't help either."

Ray ran a hand over his eyes and leaned on the desk,

"Come on, I'm owed a break, you can tell me what's going on."

She took Ray by the arm and led him to the Doctor's lounge,

"Here," she said handing him some coffee, Ray sipped it and grimaced slightly, hospital coffee was awful, Neela was the only one who ever made it they way he could tolerate it.

"So," she said, "from the beginning, but if the story goes the way I think it will you can skip the sex bits, those are images I just don't need."

Ray smiled slightly and breathed deeply before starting his tale.

"Okay, the words colossal idiot spring to mind," Abby said when he got to the end, "How could you just leave? Leaving a note would have been insensitive but bearable, but leaving….. are you trying to destroy everything?"

"Of course not." Ray said, "I didn't think. When we were just roommates I never told if I was going anywhere."

"Well sleeping with someone changes things, you're not just roommates anymore, you never will be."

"I never thought that she would think that I had left her, the idea seems so ridiculous in my mind, I assumed she would think that too." Ray explained, "I love her."

Abby smiled as he said the words, that boy really was smitten.

"I can't believe I didn't say it back to her." He sighed,

"What?" Abby asked confused, he'd missed that part out.

"After we….. well you know." He said uncomfortably, "She told me that she loved me, I was so shocked that I didn't say anything back. By the time I realised what had happened, it was too late."

"You know for a doctor, you can be really stupid sometimes." Abby smiled shaking her head, "Don't worry, we'll fix this, but you're gonna need more than flowers buddy."

Ray closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall, he couldn't lose her; he just wouldn't let it happen.

X X X X

Ray was helping at triage when Hurricane Neela swept through the ER, Weaver had told him that if he was going to be sitting in the ER waiting all day he could at least make himself useful.

Neela looked right at him as she came through the doors, blank and emotionless on the outside, filled with hurt, anger and confusion on the inside. She'd spent all day convincing herself that she hated him and was better off without him but as she saw the defeated and lonely expression on his face, all the lies she had told herself crumbled alongside the walls around her heart.

"Neela," Ray gasped as he stood up, "Please wait," he called to her retreating figure.

He started to follow her and considering he was a foot taller than her, should have been able to catch up easily, but it seemed fate wasn't on his side. Every orderly, nurse and elderly patient in the world it seemed, got in his way and slowed him down. By the time he reached the corner she had turned, she was gone.

He turned back and looked at Abby, who just lifted her head and looked towards the ceiling.

"Of course," Ray smiled, "the roof." That was Neela's sanctuary and the best place to corner her, in the nicest possible way of course. There was only one exit and there was no way he was letting her through it until this was resolved.


	25. Chapter 24

A/N: And here it is, the last chapter. Thankyou to everyone that has read and reviewed, I never expected the kind of response that I got. Hope you enjoy this.

Chapter 24 

"Hey," Ray said quietly as he came up behind her, the last thing he wanted to do was to scare her.

"Come to push me off the roof?" Neela deadpanned keeping her back to him.

"What?" Ray asked, laughing slightly in disbelief.

"Well you've done everything else you can to hurt me, why not go all they way and finish me off." She said, finally turning to face him, her eyes icy.

"I don't deserve that Neela, I didn't do what you think I did." He said, he wasn't going to let her treat him like the bad guy.

"What? You mean you _didn't_ sleep with me and then run back into the arms of your girlfriend at the first chance." Neela asked sarcastically.

"No… I didn't." he said reaching for her arm. She backed away, if he touched her, she'd lose her nerve.

"Oh, well sorry, I must have imagined waking up alone this morning. Completely my fault, I do apologise." She snapped starting to walk away, but this time he successfully took her arm and stopped her.

"Okay, enough is enough." He said firmly, "I know I wasn't there and that I did leave, but I was coming back. I should have left you a note but it slipped my mind. I didn't leave you, I didn't leave us, I left the _apartment_. Nothing more."

"I don't think Amy would be too pleased to hear that," Neela said trying to pull her arm away, but it was pointless, he wasn't going to let her go.

"Screw Amy!" he shouted,

"You already did!" Neela yelled back, catching Ray by surprise. He just stood there unable to speak.

"Come on Ray, don't try to deny it. I saw you there this morning." She explained.

"That's why you were late to work? You were spying on me?" he asked, surprised that she would go that far.

"No," she almost whispered, "I was seeing if my worst nightmare had come true…. and it had."

"No it hadn't." he said, his voice filled with pain that she believed he'd betrayed her and hurt that she was _able_ to think that. "I went there to get my stuff Neela."

Neela was filled with guilt at the sincerity in his eyes. She had jumped to the worst conclusion when she should have trusted him, but it didn't change the fact that he didn't love her.

When Ray was convinced that she wasn't going to run, he let go of her arm. She looked away from him and walked to the edge of the roof as she processed the new information.

"Okay," she started as he came to stand by her, "I should have trusted you and not assumed the worst. I'm sorry, but that doesn't change anything, you _still_ hurt me."

Ray looked at her and hung his head,

"I know, but let me explain…." He started, ready to explain why he hadn't said 'I love you.'

"No Ray, I've had enough of you explaining to me. I can't forgive what you did, you made me feel cheap and I deserve more than that." She said, determined to stand firm.

"Whoa, back up a sec. I made you feel cheap?" he asked, offended that apparently he wasn't good enough for her.

"Yes." She sighed, trying to find the words; "You can never imagine how much last night meant to me, how special _making love_ to you was."

Ray shook his head, he didn't understand, how could it be special and cheapening at the same time.

"That's why I don't understand, if you all you wanted was _sex,_ someone to sleep with and walk away from, why did you choose me? Why didn't you choose someone who wouldn't be filled with joy at being with you? Someone who wouldn't be completely destroyed when they found out it meant nothing?"

Ray swallowed hard and had to fight himself to stop himself was screaming. She had no idea how wrong she was.

"How could you think that?" he finally asked, his voice barely a whisper, "it was _never_ just about sex with you," he said putting his hands on her shoulders, pulling her within inches of him.

"Don't lie me to Ray." She said not able to meet his eyes,

"I'm not," he said lifting her chin so she couldn't look away. "Last night was the first time that I ever felt that I belonged with someone. Do you really think that I would've spent so long trying to convince you if all I wanted sex. I could get that anywhere."

He regretted that last line as he saw the look on her face, admitting you can get sex whenever you want it was probably not the best thing to say to the woman you love.

"It's okay Ray," she smiled, all her anger overshadowed by the overwhelming love she felt for him, "You don't have to say this to me, you don't love me and that's okay. I hate it but one day I'll accept it….. maybe."

Ray's heart jumped into his throat as he heard words that couldn't be further from the truth if they tried to be. Tears filled his eyes as he saw the ones rolling down her cheeks, he wiped one away and put his forehead against hers.

Neela cried more as he did this, she thought he was comforting her as a _friend, _that he was confirming what she had just said. He pulled back and licked his lips ready to speak.

'Firstly, I _never_ want to hear you say that again," he whispered as Neela tried to speak, "sshh, secondly, I love you so much it hurts. Every second that I'm away from you is torture."

"But you……" she started before he put his finger to her lips.

"Was a complete idiot," he finished for her, "I should have told you this last night, but hearing you say what I'd been dreaming you would say stunned me. By the time I realised that _I_ hadn't said anything, you'd turned away. I didn't want to say it then because I thought you wouldn't believe I was sincere."

Neela looked at the honesty in his eyes and smiled. She started to laugh, "We're a right pair aren't we?"

"Perfect for each other." He agreed picking her up and swinging her around in his arms.

He put her back onto the floor and stared at her, she put her hands around his neck and smiled. Leaning her against the railing he put one hand in the small of her back and kissed her. He ran his free hand down her cheek as she ran her fingers through his hair.

He pulled back and rested his forehead against hers again and they just stood breathing and enjoying the moment.

"So I guess this means you want to move back in?" Neela smiled,

"If it's not too much trouble." He laughed,

"Well….." Neela smiled, pretending to consider it,

"Hey," he said tickling her as she teased,

"Well, I guess you _do_ owe me half the phone bill, if you're living in the apartment it'll make debt collection easier."

"You wound me," he smiled, "how could you possibly think that I wouldn't pay up."

Neela raised her eyebrows at him, "Well I guess if you didn't have the money we could find some other way for you to 'settle' the debt."

"Oh really?" he smirked, pressing her against the railing again, "now _that_ sounds fun."

"You wish," Neela laughed, knowing exactly where his mind had gone, "I meant cleaning the apartment, and don't even try getting out of it, I know you can do it. The apartment was spotless this morning."

"I had a lot of time to kill," he smiled kissing her neck,

"If you mess the apartment up with your junk again," she said walking towards the stairwell, "I'll kill you."

"Well if _you_ weren't taking up _my_ spare bedroom with all your stuff I'd have somewhere to put it." He joked,

"Well, I guess I _could_ move into your room and let you have that one back," she said, "I'm willing to sacrifice that for you."

"Oh how noble," he smiled as he opened the door,

She walked through it, turned back to him and winked as he leaned in to kiss her. He laughed as she playfully pulled herself back and walked away, calling over her shoulder, "Anything for my roomie!"

The End

A/N: I'm working on a new fic now but it'sproving to be a bit trickier to write than this one, so it may take a bit longer.


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